Satire From The Daily Mash: Tesco Nails Chicken to River Cottage Door

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has stepped up its campaign against TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whttingstall by nailing a live chicken to the door of River Cottage (the chef's farm and home).

Attached to the squawking bird was a note warning the chef he had 24 hours to 'cough-up 86 grand' or there 'might just be a little accident'.

Last week Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy and two henchmen used buckets of chicken blood to paint 'Every Little Helps You Die' in 10 foot high letters on the side of the idyllic West Country small-holding.

Tesco's latest assault follows a barrage of polite letters and phone calls from Fearnley- Whittingstall asking if the company fancied a friendly chat about chicken welfare over a big pot of tea and a slice of Hugh's extra-chocolatey home made chocolate cake.

The chef had hoped to arrange the meeting for a lovely warm afternoon in mid June, just as the last of the apple blossom had floated away on the breeze and the River Cottage strawberries ripened to the colour of a Dorset pillar box.

But the supermarket refused and sent Fearnley-Whittingstall a £2 roasting bird stuffed with a copy of its accounts from 2007 and a letter explaining why its shareholders need chickens to drown in their own faeces.

A Tesco spokesman said: "Money. Money, money, money, money, money, money. Money, money.

From: The Daily Mash, June 9, 2008.

Related Fresh & Easy Buzz Story: "Tesco, the Chef, and the Chickens: Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall Plans to Put Tesco's Chicken Policy Under the Broiler at Upcoming Annual Meeting."