By Earl GreySatire reporter and columnist
American smut peddler and "king of porn" Larry Flint announced today his plans to open a chain of small-format combination food and pornography retail stores called Fresh & Sleazy.
During a press conference, which featured free lap dances for reporters prior to the start, held at the Hollywood, California branch of Flint's Hustler Gentleman's Club chain, the international prince of porn said his new hybrid food and smut Fresh & Sleazy stores will be located in both the United States and the United Kingdom, telling reporters he finds essentially no differences between consumers in both respective countries.
"The Fresh & Sleazy stores will average about 10,000 square feet," Flint said, although he added they could be slightly smaller in places like London and New York City where real estate conditions make it difficult to find empty buildings or new building sights that big. "We might even go as small as 3,000 square feet in the UK," Flint said. "After all, the chaps there I've talked with called a 40,000 square foot supermarket a mega-store." "Guess they haven't been to Texas."
Flint says his strategy with the combination food and porn shops is to design them in such a way that they are more upscale than the typical independent stand-alone porn-only shops in the U.S. and UK, but yet middle-range enough so they will appeal to everybody in terms of both their consumer food, grocery and erotic media and product needs.
The stores will feature a limited assortment of basic grocery and non-foods items, along with a strong selection of what the pornmeister referred to as fresh, prepared grab-and-go foods. There also will be a small assortment of specialty foods, some organics, and craft beers and wines, which Flint says will be co-merchandised along with snack foods in the pornographic merchandise section of the Fresh & Sleazy stores. (After the press conference, all of the reporters commented about the funny look on Flint's face each time he used the term "grab-and-go.")
The range of pornographic materials, literature, video materials and other objects the editor won't let me mention in this report, will be segregated in a merchandising scheme from the food items--especially the fresh foods--except for the craft beers, wines and snacks, which Flint said two years' of extensive consumer research uncovered evidence the categories offer yet untapped cross-merchandising opportunities.
Flint also added the research team which has conducted focus groups and other forms of extensive research was still looking into the potential for fresh produce and pornographic material cross-merchandising opportunities in the stores.
Asked by a reporter from a major British newspaper what the holdup was, Flint said there is a bit of a conflict because Fresh & Sleazy's management team had decided to pre-package nearly all of the stores' fresh produce items. However, after a presentation from the research team about the produce/porn material cross-merchandising potential, which the researchers said would require certain produce items to be merchandised in bulk rather than pre-packaged, the entire concept is being reconsidered, according to the father of filth.
A reporter for an American supermarket industry trade publication asked Flint: "How in the world do you think a combination grocery and pornography retail store will be successful not just in the U.S. but in the UK as well?" Flint just leaned back in his wheelchair and smiled a big smut king smile and said: "We have at least two years of extensive research saying it will." Next question.
The small-format stores are set to open early next year Flint said. Although he was a bit vague, or perhaps just tired, he did suggest California and Las Vegas, Nevada, which he called the two sleaziest states in the U.S., would likely see the first Fresh & Sleazy stores in America.
Asked if London would be home to the first of his Fresh & Sleazy small-format, combination grocery, fresh food and pornographic material stores, Flint said it really didn't matter. "After all, the entire UK is about the size of California, give or take a little bit, so we should be able to pop out a couple hundred stores and blanket the entire nation in a little over a year or so," Flint said with a style that would make an observer believe he was an international retail grocery industry veteran. The smut king added: "It's not like we have any format competition after all."
The merchant of sleaze then talked about his extensive experience in retail, with both his Hustler fetish clothing stores and his Hustler Gentleman's or strip clubs, saying: "Is food and grocery retailing really all that different. I don't think so." And for good measure," the prince of porn added, "I'm including something I happen to know a little about, porn merchandise, in my hybrid Fresh & Sleazy stores for good measure." "Eat, drink and be naughty," that's Fresh & Sleazy's tag line," Flint told the assembled reporters, some looking completely repulsed while others ate their free sandwiches and cupcakes and looked completely hooked on Flint's every word.
In concluding the press conference, one of Flint's well-dressed executives from the Fresh & Sleazy management team whispered something in his ear. Flint then said, "I need to mention the stores will have mostly private or store label merchandise in the food and grocery categories." (He means range of course.)
The brands will include "F & S" brand for value-priced products across all categories, "The Hustler" brand for dry grocery items and non-foods items like toilet paper and paper towels, and "Flint's Finest" for all the upscale or premium fresh and specialty foods items, according to the now food as well as smut king. British as well as more traditional food items will be part of the product range, according to Larry Flint.
Flint added there will be about a 50% -to- 50% mix of private label and nationally branded pornographic materials in the combo food and smut shops, saying the retailer wanted to go more like 65% store label, 35% national brand, but that their currently are just to many good quality national brands with strong brand equity in the category to do so at least at this time.
At the end of the press conference, Flint had aides pass out Fresh & Sleazy branded gift bags made from 100% recycled human hair to all of the reporters covering the event. I can report there were food items like "F&S" brand bread and mustard in the gift bag, along with a few "Flint's Finest" gourmet items like teas (my favorite), lemon curd and a bag of whole bean coffee, along with a roll of "The Hustler" brand paper towels and a few other essentials, in the lovely gift bag.
There also were a number of unmentionables in the gift bag, from the "other categories" to be represented in the Fresh & Sleazy stores if you will, including two rather interesting compact discs, the latest Hustler magazine of course, and three other items I frankly haven't figured out how to use yet. It's not a product range, like tea, I am expert in.
As the gift bags were being passed out to reporters, and as Larry Flint, who was once called "America's Pornmaster General," rolled away, he held up two fingers in a Winston Churchill and Dick Nixon victory-style and said: "The American-British special relationship will never be the same once Fresh & Sleazy redefines not only grocery shopping, but porn material shopping as well, with its combination food and porn format, for everybody, convenient shopping-style markets or marts."
Editor's Note: Earl Grey, Fresh & Easy Buzz's new Satire reporter and columnist, spent 25 years as a tea category manager for supermarket chains in the UK and U.S. A native of the UK, Earl spent 20 years as a tea category expert for two major British supermarket chains. He then took a one year sabbatical from his then tea category manager position in Britain to except a commission from Her Majesty The Queen as Britain's Tea Ambassador to the U.S.
It was during this one year tea diplomacy assignment that Earl discovered American supermarket chains had no clue when it came to merchandising tea, devoting nearly 90% of their stores' tea sections to three sizes of Lipton brand black tea bags.
Following his Tea Ambassadorial stint in the U.S. for Britain, Earl Grey accepted an offer from the senior vice president of a major U.S. supermarket chain to head up that grocery chain's tea category buying and merchandising department. Over a five year period in that position, Earl made the supermarket chain the leading seller of tea in America, transforming the tea sections in that retailer's numerous stores throughout the U.S. from primarily Lipton Tea brand sections to what today are still considered the finest examples of specialty tea sections in American food retailing.
Although happy with his position and accomplishments, Earl decided he wanted to take his love of tea and expertise in the tea category to a wider audience, the entire American food and grocery retailing industry. As a result, Earl Grey resigned his position, and with the bonus money he received for making the retailer America's foremost tea category seller, put out his own shingle, forming Earl Grey & Associates: Retail Tea Category Specialists. Earlier this year, Earl sold Earl Grey & Associates to one of the world's largest food and grocery industry consulting firms. Although he is partly retired, and divides his time between living in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, where the London Bridge has been relocated to, and London, Earl still consults for the company who bought his firm for millions of dollars.
We are proud to have Earl Grey come on board as Fresh & Easy Buzz's satire reporter and columnist. He will be filing stories and columns only as his time permits however, since Earl recently launched a new venture in which he says he plans to have the scone replace the donut as the primary grab-and-go sweet treat in American supermarket in-store bakeries by 2015.
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